Day 12 - 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge: What Painful Experience Has Made You Grow?
Woah, okay so today’s entry starts off a little sad but it ends on a really positive note. You’ve been warned. Sorry if you get teary :/
So day 12. When I think I’ve shared so much, I’m wrong. Today’s gratitude journal entry is something I’m not even sure about sharing but I feel like I won’t be alone if I do.
If you’ve been a long time follower of mine (I’m pretty sure I’ve been around since 2012 , can’t remember when, but it would’ve been second year uni) I’ve always been pro authenticity and being genuine when I post my content.
So I’m going to be open today and share with you the most painful experience that has made me grow. Actually it’s two and both are to do with family & relationships.
What painful experience has made you grow?
I come from a broken family. I won’t dive into the details but I never had an easy childhood growing up. I’m not blaming anyone for this but it is what it is. I’m also not saying that there were no happy moments, because there were.
Usually people from broken families outsource their happiness and pain towards others. I definitely am guilty of trying to outsource my happiness onto people, things and places. My mindset was always “oh if I looked this way than I’ll be pretty” or “if I had a partner he would make me happy and everything would be ok”. The problem here was I wasn’t looking within myself for these things. The truth is I didn’t need anyone to tell me I was pretty, worthy or amazing. I’m enough and only I can get that validation from myself, no one else. I’m grateful that I don’t see the world as an ugly place despite how I was bought up, I try to see the bigger picture and I really do believe that my past doesn’t dictate my future.
Because of how I was brought up as a child, it actually made me want to be more open with people and not close off. I chose to be compassionate and kind towards others. I didn’t want to paint my life with anger, sadness and pain. After all, I am an ENFJ…so compassion is naturally in me! I believe in people that’s who I am!
Which leads me to the second experience that has made me grow. Relationships. I’ve been in relationships constantly since I was 18. You name it, I’ve had that relationship. I’ve always felt the need to have someone around. I’ve never been comfortable being on my own. I think it was the fact that I felt like I didn’t have security as a child that I felt the need to seek it in another person. I’d like to also point out, the people I’ve been with, I’ve genuinely wanted to be with them but the deeper issue was just always there but I never saw it. You can still be independent if you’re with someone.
I experienced my first heartbreak when I was 24. I was completely devastated and blindsided. I didn’t see it coming. But now that time has passed, I’m sooooo grateful that my ex partner broke up with me. It honestly was the catalyst for so many positive things that have happened to me. It was then I realised the relationship was actually holding me back. If I wasn’t with anyone last year, I would’ve never made it to Hawaii by myself. I would've not even gone to all those events, places, concerts or met new people if I didn’t go alone!
Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy. Because of the heartbreak I experienced, my self-esteem was super low and I met quite a few guys who were not the right one for me. It’s 2019 and I’ve found myself single again. I was in another serious relationship after my ex but it just didn’t work out. And that’s okay. I’ve accepted that things happen for a reason. The last one made me realise that I need to put myself first. And really put me first.
The thing is, I finally did. At the end of last year, I left anything that wasn’t bringing value to my well being or made me happy on the inside, back in 2018. The start of the year was a lonely one for me but I know it’s where I’m supposed to be. Every painful experience and adversity that I’ve ever dealt with and will experience in the future will bring me to where I need to be.
I always go back to this quote :
So what I’m trying to say is that heartbreak has definitely made me grow. Heartbreak doesn’t have to just be about romantic relationships either. I’ve dealt with heartbreak in jobs, friendships and even personal growth.
And if you’re reading this and you’ve been close to me, I just want to say that I’m so grateful for you and I don’t have any regrets of meeting or having a relationship with you!
For those that are going through something similar or have had the same experience let me tell you something. It will pass. Everything in life is temporary and nothing will ever stay the same! Now that is something I’m grateful for.
Without these experiences, I never would’ve made it to this moment. To the person I am today.
I still have so much to give and a lot of growing to do. Healing is never linear, it will always go up and down.
The mantra this year for me is to choose myself and only put my needs first.
I know that good things are coming for me, I just need to let things heal and keep moving forward.
What painful experience has made you grow?